1 – Continuous LearningA lot of agile teams become lazy over time. Especially, if it seems that everything is running fine. They are laying back and the continuous improvement process gets stuck. They stay in there cosy and warm comfort zone and nobody wants to take the next step. This leads to a decreasing quality of the team’s results and the advantages of an agile process vanishes. If a Sprint Planning looks the same after practicing it for half a year, the teams is NOT agile. In an ideal case, the Scrum process completely changes during the course of a year. keep reading
- Create your product backlog without any prioritization. In the end you need all of the features before you can bring the product to the market.
- Only create the headline of your user stories and don’t add any additional content, even if the team asks. You can’t prepare everything for the team.
- Only use two types of priorities: “Urgent” and “Can be done later”. Anything else would be a waste of time.
- Always promise release dates and scope to your customer without talking to your development team upfront. You are a skilled estimator.
- Always add one task to a user story that keeps the team from finishing it. The Definition Of Ready (DOR) is for wimps. keep reading
- Five minutes before the Sprint Review is the right time to tell your Product Owner that your team wasn’t able to finish anything. It is even more fun, if this was a planned release. Transparency is for milquetoasts.
- Don’t invite the Product Owner to any Scrum meeting. He is a chicken and you are the pigs, right.
- Ignore the Sprint backlog and work on the features you like the most. Who cares about the Product Owner’s vision?
- Assign all tasks that were created during your retrospective to your Product Owner. He is the root of all evil and responsible for all the problems in the project.
- Don’t attend the Sprint Review. You already know how your product looks like. keep reading
- Keep the retrospective as short as possible. No need to invest too much time in this meaningless gathering.
- Only focus on negative events and ignore any positive things. This is the only valid path to improvement.
- Handle a retrospective as any other meeting. Sit around a table and just talk.
- Ignore the complexity of the system around you. There is always a cause and effect.
- Always use crappy material such as cheap post-its that quickly fall from the walls or old pens that hardly write. keep reading
- Get your own office, if possible in a different city or even country. Working at the same location as your team could be harmful.
- Count the number of finished tasks per team member and confront those lazy buggers with the obvious low performance.
- Try to restrict the communication with the team to Email only. You don’t want to hear their whiny voices.
- Don’t tell the team what you are working on. Transparency only applies to the rest of the team.
- Always cite the Scrum guide if members don’t stand to the Scrum rules. Continuous repetition will help to raise the team’s understanding of this process. keep reading
- Hide the SM’s beloved moderation markers.
- Play on your smartphone during the (planning) meetings, as long as they are not talking about YOUR tasks.
- Always lament about the same things but don’t change anything.
- Keep blaming and finger pointing everyone else except yourself for all the problems; you are only a victim.
- Ignore all agile values as they don’t apply to you. keep reading
Have a look at my Top 10 blog posts of the year 2011.
2011 draws to a close and it is time to set your goals for 2012. If you’re not sure what challenges to put on your plan for 2012, the following list could be a starting point.