Now that the team is armed with new weapons, it is time to help the Scrum Master to fight back. If you didn’t read my first post on this topic, have a look at the ten things, a Scrum Master can do to drive the team crazy blog post I wrote two years ago. Here we go:
- Get your own office, if possible in a different city or even country. Working at the same location as your team could be harmful.
- Count the number of finished tasks per team member and confront those lazy buggers with the obvious low performance.
- Try to restrict the communication with the team to Email only. You don’t want to hear their whiny voices.
- Don’t tell the team what you are working on. Transparency only applies to the rest of the team.
- Always cite the Scrum guide if members don’t stand to the Scrum rules. Continuous repetition will help to raise the team’s understanding of this process.
- If a team member has a question, point them to Google. Google has all the answers, right?
- Ignore the Product Owner. It is his responsibility to create and maintain the backlog, not yours.
- Don’t attend the Sprint Review. It is a meeting exclusively between the PO and the team.
- Nurture your lack of interest in the product the team is building. This is something the PO has to take care of.
- Bring drums to the team’s office and play them like on a slave ship. Every good team needs a beat.
I’m looking forward to your additions in the comments 🙂